Warning: References to adult content in this post
Here is the beginning of a new life. My son was born in the spring and now Christmas is just around the corner. Darren’s work didn’t pan out and we were in dire need of money.
Even though I was reluctant to leave my young son at home with his father, I just knew something had to be done quickly or I would have to claim bankruptcy. So it was easy to fall back into work as a dancer.
Each day was a struggle; should I stay home with my small son who cried for me? Or do I just make a sacrifice and look after the finances. My heart broke each time I drove the one hour to Toronto; I cried more for my son than he did for me. I am sure of it. Each day was filled with pleas to God to figure out a way to find a better solution to our situation.
During the drive home late at night, I would cry for the shame and guilt I felt of working as a dancer in a gentlemen’s club. Of course I cried harder when I didn’t make money.
My body ached every day, but not more than my heart. The expensive things I purchased didn’t even come close to the one thing I really wanted; to be home with my son.
During several years of counselling sessions I realized my lust for control had stemmed from another place. Some traumatic experiences with my stepfather had left me without a sense of control.
As a teenager, the sexual abuse from him was felt on a deeper level. This went on for years. I couldn’t talk with anyone about this and it was never dealt with until recently.
Now I had more of an insight as to why I felt comfortable stripping for men. I craved the control I had lost when I was young. The job at the club was quickly losing its tight grip on my addiction to the money and control. My income went on a sharp decline.
Every job my spouse tried was either a dead-end or the pay was too low. He wouldn’t last more than three months at a job. With the ongoing counselling I realized my deep desire to be with my son. There was a magic in the moments I spent with him. I found it far more rewarding than the money of working at the club.
Suddenly one day Darren told me he would take a job out in Alberta. There wasn’t a discussion because it was so rare to have that sort of commitment from him. He insisted it was the best thing for us. Although he didn’t know exactly how much he was going to make, he still went ahead and took the job.
This began a whole transformation of events. It felt like a very dark time. Then I knew my son and I needed God, so we came more involved with the church. Now that I was no longer at the club, I could put more time and effort into raising Stone. It became evident there were some important lessons coming out of this situation.
My confidence began to grow each day. Then I saw the need to produce radio shows again. With God’s help I was determined to use the positive skills I had learned at the club. I would focus on a goal and then look at every possible angle to achieve it. It was a difficult task, but I believe my new found faith in God helped me to exercise all aspects of forgiveness.
Now, while I still harbour control issues, I am more determined to keep a rewarding life as a mother. My son is happier even though he doesn’t have the latest fashions or games.
Through Gods guidance I am able to make wise decisions in my life. I see how these events happened in my life to take me to this special place today. I now see that this is MY new beginning. Together my son and I grow stronger in our new grace filled life. We have fallen in love with everything God has to offer us.
With God anything is possible.
By Nina Hilger | Website
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