I am really disappointed in myself because of the way I reacted towards a current situation in my life. Times are hard and it’s time for me to look for a job. The saying goes ” when the going gets tough, the tough get going”. It turns out, and not to my surprise, that I wasn’t so tough or willing to pound the pavement and get just ANY job. I have preconceived aspirations on what I would like to do for a living. I consider myself an intellectual, with abilities. I studied literature and psychology, so I feel somehow entitled and deserving of a professional level occupation. Working just anywhere for minimum wage made me feel inferior in comparison to my observed abilities. I know my confessions sound full of conceit, self-focused attitude, and even selfish but the rotting PRIDE makes me feel those things, and I wish to rid myself of it. Pride is defined in many ways: “ as having a feeling of pleasure derived from your achievements, as the consciousness of one’s own dignity, and also as being in your prime, or the best state of your life.” ( The Oxford College Dictionary)
I have to say that I am not proud of possessions, of my house, or car, or any other material things, but I would like to be recognized for achievements if I work hard for them, and most definitely would love to feel the prime of my life. Again that sounds prideful still. I somehow thought that by the age of thirty-eight I would have myself figured out, with the perfect job I love, the perfect holidays ( which by the way I haven’t had in years), the perfect rhythm in a way. I look around at some of my friends that seem to have a rhythm of their own. They know what to expect, where they have been, and where they are headed. There is a certain peace in that predictability. But I have always liked the merry-go-round and not the roller-coaster. Again I’m comparing myself to others and comparison just breeds more pride: ” Pride goes before destruction and haughtiness before a fall.” Proverbs 16:18
It shocked me a little how resentful and resistant I was to hunt for a practical job, just to pay the bills. It scared me, annoyed me and inconvenienced me. I wasn’t ready to do whatever it takes, to humble myself… The bible warns us in Daniel Chapter 5 that when pride hardens our minds and hearts nothing good can follow. God who is perfect wasn’t annoyed that He had to live among sin and filth, so that we may have forgiveness, grace and everlasting life. This job hunting is a lesson in humility, to take a lesser view of my importance, and sacrifice for my family. I always thought of myself of a sacrificial person, so I am ashamed to discover that there were conditions attached to that. God is less interested in what I do for a living, but more concerned with what I am in my living. Thus I will pick up my own cross and carry it in love for God, for it is with great love that he is teaching me humility and obedience. He made me and gave me my abilities, and I know he is testing my devotion and my faithfulness: “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones..” Luke 16:10.
What I really desire is to shed the cloak of pride, because pride is stupid, manipulative and debilitating. I will have to let go of my own vision of an ideal job, and be willing to work at whatever God gives me. I imagine that God physically showed up at my house and personally asked me to do this one thing for him. Gladness and joy well up in my heart just thinking about that! There is really no substitute for hard work so God give me the willingness, wisdom, strength, and most of all the humility to surrender myself to whatever path you have me take. Job 35:12 will be my inspiration “ And if they cry out and God does not answer, it is because of their pride. But it is wrong to say God doesn’t listen, to say the Almighty isn’t concerned… And it is even more false to say he doesn’t see what is going on. He will bring about justice if you only wait.”
Word of the day: ENMITY
By Roxana Hackett