2015 was literally, one of the hardest years of my life.
In the early spring of that year, I was physically attacked by an unknown sickness. I was emotionally drained and spiritually on a desperate searching quest. In search for something to quench my never-ending thirst of strength in my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Resulting in, me spending a few horrific nights in the Emergency Room…waiting hours and hours in search of answers. That season was absolutely lifeless. No growth took place, rather the roots of a health filled life-style, were ripped out from underneath me.
I felt weary, defeated, and ragged. My soul was in pieces, scattered around, limp with no life left within me. Failure. Defeated. Worthless. These were the words often spoken in my mind, on a vicious cycle that seemed to never end. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of mystical voices. I was numb to the Lord’s presence. I had no emotional balance. I was knee-deep in a place of utter chaos and complete confusion. A season of wandering, searching, and questioning. A choice was placed in front of me. Would I begin to take up the quest in hope of finding my authentic purpose once again, or would I continue to lay limp, life-less in a state of exhaustion?
My weary soul felt no reason to pray. No reason to read my Bible and not even an ounce of reason to attend a church service. I was tired. Weak. Ready to, in all honesty, give up. “What was the point anymore?”, I thought. This soul was mine. I, Kerrington, had to take ownership of it. No longer, was I being a slave to the fears, that were raging inside of me. This was not my portion and I knew that I knew, something just had to give. It was the year full of harsh words, temptations, and faithless defeat. Anxiety, unsettledness, sleepless nights, and never-ending tears. Oh, and change. Lots of it.
The year of goodbye to old friends and hello to the new ones. A year of questioning what truly defined me. The year crammed with medical tests and procedures. Ugly moments and real jealousy. It was the year, I truly fell in love and then, got my heart recklessly broken. The year of frequently changing seasons. The year of learning to love and somewhat trust once again. Full of high mountain tops and low valleys of deep feelings and insecure emotions. The year of pursuing, a true balance for my life.
It was a year of a realignment and of a complete shift that took place. A brand new purpose and an intimate calling was being birthed directly into my weary heart, into my very spirit. I would either embrace it with open arms, wholly surrendered or I would resist it, and be shaken to the very core of my being and be tested on my every move. God was calling my heart deeper through that year and I honestly was struggling to trust Him through it all.
But then friends, Jesus. I think at times I truly often forget, especially in the fast-paced culture we abide in, that God is such a personal God. We forget that He deserves our undivided attention first and foremost. We just need to Stop. Seek. Pray. Reach and Regenerate. Because, He’s there.
He’s there in those moments when you could just break down and cry. He’s there celebrating with you in your greatest achievements. He’s there in the stormy crashing waves of life, and He’s there in those moments of sweet peace and stillness. He’s with you in hardship and in worship. In agony and in freedom. He’s always there.
Whatever your year may have looked like…just know and believe that God has a purpose for it. The painful seasons, the crazy circumstances and the awful situations you walked through have a greater purpose than you can even possibly begin to understand. Whether it was a battle year or a victory year, He was there. The battles you may be fighting or have fought, the hurts you are clenching on to, the bitterness that is building up within you, the struggles that are constantly bombarding your mind…Give them up.
Hand the keys over to God, let Him begin to lock those things out of your life. Let Him cleanse your weary, ragged heart. I know for a fact, that He has prosperous plans for you. To end on a vulnerable note, I hope that this shows you, I don’t have it all together. I live a very real life, just like you. I am fighting my own battles, and am always learning to give more to God. I am just like you, walking on a journey to a Heavenly Place, our eternal home.
Kerrington Sweeney is the President and Founder of Uniquely Yours Ministries, a ministry dedicated to challenging, equipping and encouraging women. She is truly an Ambassador of Jesus Christ. She has a sincere burning desire within her, to see women rise up and be everything God has truly called each of them to be. She carries a mantle of community and walks with divine purpose to empower and compel women of faith. Kerrington, feel’s God’s ‘call’ to embark on the journey of a lifestyle fully committed to ministry and the expansion of God’s Kingdom.
