“My biggest fear of death in pregnancy had become a reality… How could something you want so badly just slip away? How could your dreams and great desires for an unborn life, just die?…All my joy was destroyed. I was now devastated beyond description. It felt like two walls just came in from nowhere and squeezed all life and hope out of me. “ (LIVE And Not Die by Vicki L. Olton, 2017)
The loss of a son at five months of pregnancy was nothing less than a sudden storm that came in and abruptly destroyed every hope, expectation and dream for the future as a mother that I had created in my mind.
There is nothing joyful about death and the days and nights of anxiety, stress and fear of not waking up to see another day, surely did not make it easier for me. After the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual torment associated with the sorrow of the loss, I had to find a solution; someone who, when all others around me could help me with what I was going through; that someone was Jesus.
All sorts of reasons for the loss clogged my mind, just to help me rationalize why God would allow such to happen to me, but it is when I made the decision to accept Christ into my life, that things started to change gradually.
The Bible says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:” (Psalm 37:5)
When I committed all my ways unto God, then did I start to discover the truth about the Almighty God in whose arms is everlasting healing. Don’t get me wrong, healing is a process and none of the pain, sorrow and torment left me immediately, but as I learnt about God through the Bible and as I developed a relationship with Him through praying, things started to change. I started to see the Word of God coming to life right before my eyes. Healing was taking place over time and God made a great change in me. The strength that He gave me over time could have never and still does not compare to anything that any human being can do for us.
When we go through tough times in life, Jesus is always there to help us overcome. You see, because our Heavenly Father created us, He knew well before time that you would have lost your child. He knew the day, the time and the hour. And yes, He eventually allowed it, not because He wanted to see you in pain, but because out of your pain a beautiful woman of purpose would emerge. This is what happened to me.
What I learnt in the end was that God used the loss as a story to help other women. I was “lost in loss” and Jesus came and rescued me, so that every time I read the word and went into the house of the Lord, His Holy Spirit brought comfort, peace, love joy and healing where it was impossible for man to touch. God touches us deep down into our soul and spirit with His word.
If you have experienced the loss of a child to death, stillbirth or even abortion, the pain, hurt, sorrow, shame etc. is real, but it can be removed. It is God’s desire, purpose and plan to heal us. Give yourself the chance in this season of celebrating mothers to receive beauty for ashes, lightness for your heaviness and peace for your torment.
Prophetess Vicki L. Olton is a Christian speaker, preacher, intercessor and author of LIVE And Not Die: Your Loss Is Not The End; It’s Just The Beginning. She is also Founder & President of Mission Inside Out in Barbados.
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